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I’m a young child playing. I'm three, maybe four years
old. My idea of a good time is to wander out of the house, while all the big
people are unpacking the moving van, and disappear into the neighborhood. I’m
going from door to door telling everyone that I just moved into that house
over there and could they please be my new friend? My parents notice their
little boy is missing. I can imagine how they must have felt – anxious,
scared – he’s not in the house, he’s not in the yard. Finally, they find me walking
down the street. “Don’t ever do that again!” I’m told. “It’s not safe.” I’m just a
young boy; I don’t understand. All I know is that I’m having fun, playing,
doing what I want to do. Now, for no reason at all (that I can comprehend),
I’m in trouble and I’m feeling all this painful, angry, scared energy
lambasting me. The energy hurts me and makes me afraid. I don’t like
it and don’t want to be hurt again. So I make an agreement, or a rule, or a
generalization about myself and other people. I decide that people are
dangerous and will hurt me if I reach out to them so I take a piece of my
soul’s spontaneity and thrust it outside myself like an errant knight being
banished from the kingdom. |
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I decide that a part of myself
is not okay and disown it. I force that part away from me, projecting it
across my self/not-self boundary. I am no longer completely authentic and
whole. I’m now a fragmented and fragmenting personality. Because I’ve taken part
of myself and ripped it away, there is a hole left in my sense of self that
is immediately filled with a distorted self-image that has been censored and
sanitized. It is no longer “real.” It’s an image, frozen in time, hidden deep
in the unconscious. It’s a copy of my consciousness as it existed then,
enmeshed with the emotions that accompanied the event. Ever afterward,
similar events will trigger this image and pull forward this copy of
consciousness with all of the misplaced thoughts and emotions coming right
along with it. This seething, misplaced mess of mind-worms will be
superimposed upon the current moment. I am now responding to their image and
not the current moment. The worms have captured my consciousness, separated
me from the authentic now and completely distorted my understanding of what
is really going on. Now,
instead of joyfully, playfully going up and down the street meeting new
people, I’ll feel distrustful and reluctant to reveal too much of myself to
“strangers.” Most likely, I won’t know why I feel this way or where my vague
but powerful feeling of unease is coming from. I’ll simply react to it by
withdrawing, withholding, lying, exaggerating, attacking or some other
behavior designed to protect myself and make the “bad” feeling go away. |
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Unfortunately, these behaviors
will be noticed and reacted to by people around me, they won’t know why I’m
acting like that and will therefore not be open and loving with me. I’ll see
this as an indication that my image is still “protecting” me, that people are
still dangerous and that my best bet is to stay away from them! Around and
around we go, where we stop nobody knows! Welcome to the Shadow! My
conjoined twin of darkness and “evil” born of all the stuff about myself I
thought was “bad” or inappropriate or that caused me pain. No wonder the poor
fellow has such a bad rap. No wonder my shadow cries out from the darkest, furthest
reaches of my unconscious where it’s imprisoned, where it’s trying to dig its
way free with a spoon and wreck its mighty revenge like the Count of Monte
Cristo. When the shadow finally forces
itself out and confronts my waking personality with a triumphant “Here I
am, remember me?” (Or if your shadow self likes to quote related but
arbitrary sounding snippets, it might proclaim: “My name is
Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” ) Our ego replies: "No, I
don't know you: you're no part of me!" Our shadow goes unrecognized
and unacknowledged. It's all it and no me. The cops of our unconscious
then recaptured it, banish it and reincarcerate it, shoving it back
down into its hole, with apologizes all around and a bewildered explanation:
“I don’t where that outburst came from! That’s just not like me.” Or even worse, I
might choose to blame the whole thing on somebody or something else. After all, to claim
responsibility for my actions would mean acknowledging the bastard child of
my creation that I’ve long since denied and abandoned. It would mean
admitting “all that” lies within me, that I have this “badness” festering and
spoiling that otherwise perfect greatness that is me. The ego generated,
seemingly self-serving, self-protecting personas and masks that I wear will
have none of that – thank you very much! My distorted images say that if
I have “badness” within me, then I’ll be yelled at, disowned,
hurt, rejected and unloved. I don’t want to be rejected: better to remain
aloof or lie than risk that. Better to be unengaged than risk being unloved.
Alas, only sages can see clearly enough to engage with the unengage-able and
only saints react to lies with unconditional love. So our protectiveness
comes to naught, creating more of what we don’t want, more of what we’re
trying to protect ourselves against. Ironic isn’t it? Images are mind viruses; they
make our thought processes sick and diseased. Images are worms that care
nothing for our happiness, success or well-being while they burrow deeper and
deeper into the fruit of our souls. Images are generalizations, false conclusions
that we adopted in response to pain, fear or receiving conditional,
circumstantial love. Images may be frozen in time, but they are not static.
They are a dynamic, destructive impulse, thought or emotion primed: a land mine eagerly awaiting the weight of
a warrior to explode; a poisonous spider, the picture of stillness, until the
web jiggles. NLP calls images mental filters. Ernest Holmes refers to them as
false beliefs. |
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So what is the truth? The
immensity, beauty and magnificence of Spirit is in all things, through all
things. It is the light the shines unceasingly, the power of creation, the
guiding intelligence that is ever unfolding. Ultimately everything, including
me, is formlessness unfolding into form by the application of intelligence
and intent. I am a part of that intelligence, a part of that intent. I am
bigger than my waking self; I am a part of the Awakened Self that is God. I
am a part of all that is. All things are interconnected; all things are the
One without a two. You, me, a rock, our shadow selves, root beer and pizza:
we are all just individualized expressions of the one Truth, perfect in our
ever unfolding, ever evolving, upward spiral. I am good enough! I do deserve it! I am loved and lovable and loving in
return, more and more all the time. So are you! The more I realize and actualize
this Truth, the more I dissolve and embrace my images, reclaiming them into
the caring, unconditional love that is my soul, my core, my connection to all
that is. This Truth is already present and I open to it, claim it and make it
my own. I am grateful for the wholeness, the connection, the love, the
acceptance that is ever present and is ever available. I release this Truth
back into the circle of giving and receiving that is Spirit expressing itself
as me, as you, as all that is. How beautiful is this expanding, abundant
Truth. I want to eat it like cornflakes and ice cream! |
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With Love and
Aloha, Holman |
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Negative emotions are tell-tail
indicators that an image has intruded, waving its digging spoon triumphantly.
Anger, embarrassment, irritation, anxiety, fear can be counted upon to be the
advancing troops of a conquering image-invader. Nor does it come silently; it
shouts its twisted perspective into our minds. “I’m not good enough. Nobody will like me. I can’t
do this; it’s too hard and I’m too helpless. Nobody loves me, not really.
They may pretend, but that’s just because they want something from me. People
are dangerous and I’m afraid of being hurt. It’s no use even trying. I give
and give and give and nobody appreciates me. I’m too tired to give anymore.
I’m too fat. I’m too skinny. I look terrible in this outfit. I’d better leave
this relationship before it’s too late and I lose myself completely. I’d better
stay in this relationship, I don’t deserve any better and I can’t stand being
alone. It may work for you, but it will never work for me.” This town ain’t
big enough for me and my images! Images
create the voices in our head. The voices in our head lie. They do not tell
the truth. They do not know what the truth is. You don’t have to believe the
voices in your head. I’ll say it again – you don’t have to believe the voices
in your head! Since images are lies (mistaken notions we’ve agreed to
believe) awareness and truth are two of the most powerful weapons we have in
our arsenal to help dissolve them, to help reclaim them, to release the Count
from its shadowy dungeon and begin the process of slowly reclaiming our
wholeness and our authenticity. |
